For many years it has been a tradition for some news outlets to choose sides in presidential elections. Newspapers like the New York Daily News and the Houston Chronicle have made traditions of officially endorsing presidential candidates.
We here at Tragedy Weekly think that endorsing a candidate is contradictory to a fundamental principle of journalism: objectivity.
However, if it’s good enough for the New York Times, it’s definitely good enough for our dog and pony show.
After carefully studying the platforms of both presidential candidates and hours of deliberation, we present Tragedy Weekly‘s official presidential endorsement:
After careful consideration it has become clear that Michael Dukakis is the only sensible choice to succeed Barrack Obama as the next president of the United States.
Michael Dukakis is a democrat who served 2 non-consecutive terms as Governor of Massachusetts (from 1975-1989 and again from 1983-1991). In 1988 he was nominated as the democratic candidate for president of the United States. He lost this race, possibly because of a picture of him in a tank or because he said he wouldn’t want to murder someone who raped his wife.
In 1988 saying you didn’t want to murder a rapist was enough to severely affect poll numbers. Now one of the most popular candidates is an alleged rapist.
Dukakis is the progressive candidate America needs in 2016. He has many years of experience in both politics and public service, he was the Governor of Massachusetts during one of its greatest periods of economic growth. He is pro-choice and pro woman’s rights. He is a pacifist and opposed to the death penalty.
Dukakis has proved himself time and again as a smart and honest leader. Weigh the options in this year’s contentious presidential race and you will see, Dukakis is the man for the job.
Now we know what you’re probably saying:
“Dukakis isn’t even running for president”
“Dukakis is 82 years old”
“Wht R his thots on banning Muslims tho? #AllLivesMatter”
All good points.
We are in an election year in which a socialist was considered a serious contender for the Democratic nomination, and the Republican nominee is outspoken racist. It is not far-fetched in the modern political climate that the winner could be an 82 year-old former presidential candidate who isn’t even running. Write him in! Also Bernie Sanders is only 8 years younger. So what’s this big deal?
Bottom line: If you don’t think any of the candidates represent you, consider writing in Michael Dukakis.
Thoughts, prayers, and good vibes to our readership.