Editors note: The following is satire. It is a piece of entertainment, presented here as an editorial.
Washington D.C.: DNC leaders met in Washington today to evaluate the previous presidential election. While there were conflicting theories on what went wrong, the political party agreed on one thing: Hillary Clinton would’ve fucked up the country much more slowly than Donald Trump.
“I don’t think there’s any question,” said Howard Dean in a radio interview shortly after. “Trump has this country on the fast track to economic ruin and moral stagnation. Hillary Clinton’s policies would’ve been a much more measured way to completely fuck us over a much longer period of time.”
“Hillary Clinton was a beacon of hope to so many people,” said Donna Brazile in another interview. “We felt safe that she would cushion are fall during our long, inevitable slide into mediocrity and ultimately bankruptcy as a nation. The Trump Administration’s policies are taking us there too fast and too soon. Most Americans thought we had at least another six years before the hording of food and shotgun ammunition would become a priority.”
Some Democrats, who voted for Trump, still stand by their decision. “I don’t regret voting for Donald Trump at all,” said Mary Scott, a housewife from Boca Rotan, Florida. “If I’m going to have to murder my neighbors over the last can of Spam or to crack open their skulls to feast upon their delicious brains, I’d rather do it in 2017. Why wait for who knows how long under Clinton while paying all those taxes?”
But for still-sitting Senators like Chuck Schumer, there is hope for the future. “The Democratic Party has a long history of patience,” said Schumer during a phone interview. “It may take us a long time to get back into the power so we can fuck things up again, but we will prevail and do it. And that’s a promise. And when we do, the American people will know that they can rely on a slow, meandering march down the drain to oblivion, without the rush-rush-rush of my GOP colleagues, who just don’t think things through sometimes.”